On December 4th, we lost a wonderful companion, a gentle soul and a constant Buddy by my side. Today is his birthday. He would have been 13 years old. Happy Birthday, Baby!
The oldest Doberman we've ever had. I thought I was prepared to lose him. I thought having him for so long was such a blessing that I would be simply grateful. Although that is true, it didn't stop me from falling into a deep, dark hole of despair. I think it worked the opposite. I had him for so long that living
without him has been so difficult that I can hardly bear it. Everywhere I look it seems I can see him. Or at least I
should be seeing him. Not like in spirit, but in reality. Like, he should be running across the back field! He should be coming up the stairs to the house. He should be chasing Kali. He should be right by my side where he was all the time. All the time! He followed me everywhere. Wherever I was, he was right there! Even as he aged and I'm sure getting up was difficult, he still did it just to be with me. He followed me everywhere.
And two of the places where he laid a lot are now vacant. But in my mind I see him there all the time. And it's unbearable. His bed by the side of my bed and his bed in our sun room. Those two places especially have been hard for me. The empty spot next to my bed seems huge now. Every time I get out of bed it hits me that he's not there. Every time I walk through the bedroom and see that empty spot, it hits me that he's not here! When my husband and I sit in our sunroom in front of the fire he would be laying by my side on a large bed. I always had to be careful when I got up to either walk around him or walk around the table the other way. Now there is nothing. But I still hesitate when I get up, thinking he's there and my heart aches each and every time.
I cried for weeks and still crying now. I cried until I lost my voice! Whenever I felt I was feeling better, I would still breakdown thinking of him. It still hurts to say his name and I avoid it like the plague. It's just so familiar to me! It just brings instant tears.
I'm very grateful to have him for so long. But that's not helping me. He was such a permanent fixture in the house and in my life and by my side. I just miss him so terribly it takes my breath away! He was such a sweet boy.
Those of you who remember Von Doom or Fred, may remember when he lost his Doberman. His title to the thread was something like, Incoherent ramblings of a grieving man. I always remembered how that hit me because it felt similar to how I knew I would feel. Incoherent ramblings. That's me. I know a lot of you probably have gone through something similar when you've lost your companion. But for the most part I feel alone in this. Don't ask me why. I just feel like not many would understand my grief. I guess because I feel I grieve longer than most. Maybe that's not true, maybe it is. I know when things go on for a long time most people would be surprised that you're still grieving. They want you to get over it. Easier said than done. I actually surprised myself. Like I said, I really felt that I would be much better when this happened. I thought I was prepared. I knew it was pretty evident. I knew he wasn't going to last another year. But I always talk and think brave when they are still here. Then they're gone and in an instant your world tilts! Everything changes. That empty feeling, that warm body, that beautiful face, it's gone and you want to have it back! Not another dog. But
that dog! I don't want another dog. I want
him. I miss him so much! Sometimes now I try not to think about it because I'm so afraid of going down that dark hole again. Crying and not being able to stop.
I wanted to come back here. I wanted to write a Memorial for him. But I couldn't bear it. I just couldn't bear it! But being his birthday today I knew I just had to cry my way through it! Do it for him.
I just loved him so much! My husband did too. His loss has hit us both but, of course, me especially. I told my husband,
I have been with that dog more than I have been with you! Think about that. I have been with him 24/7 for 13 years! Barely ever apart! It's like someone tore out my heart! Every time I think of him it just takes my breath away! I actually have to take an intake of breath! It's like someone sucker-punched me.
Poor Kali. I sobbed continually for days. Loudly! There was no holding back to protect her. But even the day he died I think she knew. I laid with him for hours as he lay dying, sobbing my heart out. We finally had my horse vet come and help him over the bridge and again I laid there sobbing until he was cold. I tried to bring her over to him so she can see he was gone. She wanted no part of it. I think it frightened her.
I probably frightened her. It took a few weeks but I started to try and be more positive around her. Talk excitedly to her. And she is coming around. I'm sure she felt my grief. There was no way around it. I couldn't hide it. The day he died I hadn't eaten all day so my husband insisted we take a drive and pick something up to eat. As we were leaving Kali was there and I suddenly realized I could take her with us! She loves to go in the car but I would never take her and leave him home by himself. So we took her with and it was bittersweet moment. Knowing I could take her. But also knowing why.
I miss you so much, Buddy!! 
A special thank you to
@GennyB for texting me and trying to keep me upright. Although each text brought first tears, it was the connection I needed. Thank you for praying for me.
And now I will try to get through a few photos. First my best and favorite video of all time. I created this and I love watching it or at least I did. I will one day again but I can't right now. But I will let you! I took a lot of time with this, choreographing the pictures with the music. I always thought it was a fun video! And a great insight into his personality, his love of his blankets! His playful nature, how he could run like the wind and very tolerant of our horses.
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Excuse me while I get more tissue....
Love ya, Buddy!
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