As you can tell by my absence this has been extremely difficult for me. Any death is difficult for me but especially my pets. I think about all of you every day. How I should be here. How I should be writing a memorial for my little girl. But every time I try, I do what I’m doing now. Bawl my eyes out. And I just can’t do it. I’m attempting it today. But if I get through it, I just might crawl back in my hole again for a little while. I just can’t cope with the loss. I miss her so much! I see her EVERYWHERE.
Every time I think of that last day I just wanna hold her again. It was horrible. Just horrible. It was the first time I watched my pet die without the help of a veterinarian.
The weekend of my birthday, February 1st, she seemed to be going downhill but I wasn’t quite aware of it yet. The first time she didn’t finish her food alarmed me. But I hand fed her and got most of it down. When she started breathing harder I thought it might be the end. But she still wanted to get up and walk around. She still wanted to go outside. And I would carry her outside in a blanket to let her walk around for a while. But it was cold so I couldn’t let her go very long. I wished it was summer that I could have just let her be outside for a long time but I had to pick her up and bring her back.
I had her secluded in our laundry room which worked out to be the best. I knew she couldn’t hurt herself and with pee pads down I didn’t care what she did. But she never did anything. She wasn’t eating or drinking so she really had nothing. I tried giving her some water through a dropper but she really wasn’t interested.
On my birthday I noticed when she laid down there was fluid coming out of her mouth. There would be a spot on the pee pad where is she laid. I wasn’t sure what it was at first. Then I realized that she was going into heart failure and probably regurgitating a little through her mouth. The sounds that she was making reminded me of watching my mother die. She died of heart failure too.
When I went to bed on my birthday I kept thinking I’m going to wake up and she will be gone. But she wasn’t. When I woke up she was actually walking around in the laundry room. But I knew that that day would be her last. I could just tell. Maybe it was my experience with my mother. I don’t know. I could tell by her breathing.
I laid in the laundry room from 5:00 AM till she died at 1040.AM. I had bought a stethoscope years ago and I had it with me. I listened to her heart many times throughout that period. I wasn’t sure if I understood what I was listening to but I listened nonetheless. But I think it took me a while to realize that we weren't coming back from this. She wasn’t going to get better. She was going to die.
She never was a lap dog that was comfortable sleeping on your lap. And I tried to hold her a couple of times. But I also knew she was uncomfortable and just felt the need to walk around once in a while. But then she would collapse and lay down so I would just lay down next to her.
But the last hour I was able to hold her in my arms wrapped in a blanket. Again, knowing what I went through with my mother, a change in her breathing made me realize the time was coming.
I actually had the stethoscope on her constantly, listening to her breathing, when it became quiet. Just like my mother’s. She pulled her head back as if in a stretch. But probably searching for that last breath of air. And then she went limp. No sounds at all. And my baby was gone.
My husband had left earlier to a job. I told him I didn’t think she was going to make the day. He was trying to be optimistic for me and said she’ll be fine. He’ll be back as quick as possible. Just as she died, he texted me and said, How’s she doing? I said, She just died! He said, I’m coming home.
I held her for a long time. And then I wrapped her in a blanket and put her on the counter. She looked so peaceful.
During the last hour when I was holding her Annie had stepped into the room. I realized later that the camera I had put in the room to watch her had recorded a lot of what happened that day. There’s multiple 10-60 seconds segments. One of them I saw that Annie poked her head in, kind of reaching out with her nose but not coming close. That was the first and only time. Maybe she realized. I don’t know. I haven’t noticed any real loss on her part. Except for coming over to me when I’m bawling my eyes out. It probably worried her. Kali slept on our bed a lot and I watched Annie afterword to see if she would even look up there for her, but she didn’t. I look up there all the time! Every time I walk through my bedroom I’m looking at that bed and envisioning her there. It just breaks my heart all over again. It haunts me to go into the laundry room now too. I just see her everywhere.
At night, it got to be a routine that the three of us would go out to get the horses fed. Then I would come inside and get Kali while Mike played ball with Annie. I would walk her around while they played and make sure she pottied, bring her in, give her her eye drops and give both of them a treat. And then I would put her to bed either in her crate or later, in the laundry room. She was pretty blind and it was too dangerous for her to be free in the house.
So now when we all come in from the barn, I have a really hard time. Routines are kind of hard to change, you know?
One of my most heartbreaking moments with her that day still haunts me. She was relatively quiet throughout all of this. Except for her breathing. But there was 2 times when she was laying down on her side, her eyes closed and she just let out a little, Woooo. Ohh my gosh! Like a little cry! How I cried over that. I tried comforting her as much as I could. And I prayed to God to take her. Quickly! I told Him I will be so sad when she’s gone, but please take her now, please Lord, please take her! I would talk to her and tell her she’s going to meet Jesus and it's gonna be wonderful. All dogs go to heaven! You have to believe that! After all, dog is God backwards!
15 years! Where did that time go!? I can still remember bringing her home. She was a little Spitfire! That’s why we called her Speedster. She would fly down those back stairs chasing squirrels! And she kept up with Buddy! They chased each other round and round all the time. It was always a big game and they both loved it. Maybe that’s what they’re doing now.
I miss them both! Every time I look at a picture of her I have to look away because the pain is too great. But I love that little face! I love that little dog! I feel like I lost my child. I am just so lost!
And yes, Annie is a comfort. But I’m still missing our other half and the pain in my heart just won’t go away.
Our daughter came in for the weekend and she just went home yesterday. It was a comfort and a distraction. But I had my moments. Like when we were going through some things in the basement, not even dog related, when I happened to find a bag with a bunch of Kali’s collars in it. It broke me.
I’m so sorry I’m not here. I’m just finding it really hard to come back, but I will. I promise, I will.
Every time I think of that last day I just wanna hold her again. It was horrible. Just horrible. It was the first time I watched my pet die without the help of a veterinarian.
The weekend of my birthday, February 1st, she seemed to be going downhill but I wasn’t quite aware of it yet. The first time she didn’t finish her food alarmed me. But I hand fed her and got most of it down. When she started breathing harder I thought it might be the end. But she still wanted to get up and walk around. She still wanted to go outside. And I would carry her outside in a blanket to let her walk around for a while. But it was cold so I couldn’t let her go very long. I wished it was summer that I could have just let her be outside for a long time but I had to pick her up and bring her back.
I had her secluded in our laundry room which worked out to be the best. I knew she couldn’t hurt herself and with pee pads down I didn’t care what she did. But she never did anything. She wasn’t eating or drinking so she really had nothing. I tried giving her some water through a dropper but she really wasn’t interested.
On my birthday I noticed when she laid down there was fluid coming out of her mouth. There would be a spot on the pee pad where is she laid. I wasn’t sure what it was at first. Then I realized that she was going into heart failure and probably regurgitating a little through her mouth. The sounds that she was making reminded me of watching my mother die. She died of heart failure too.
When I went to bed on my birthday I kept thinking I’m going to wake up and she will be gone. But she wasn’t. When I woke up she was actually walking around in the laundry room. But I knew that that day would be her last. I could just tell. Maybe it was my experience with my mother. I don’t know. I could tell by her breathing.
I laid in the laundry room from 5:00 AM till she died at 1040.AM. I had bought a stethoscope years ago and I had it with me. I listened to her heart many times throughout that period. I wasn’t sure if I understood what I was listening to but I listened nonetheless. But I think it took me a while to realize that we weren't coming back from this. She wasn’t going to get better. She was going to die.
She never was a lap dog that was comfortable sleeping on your lap. And I tried to hold her a couple of times. But I also knew she was uncomfortable and just felt the need to walk around once in a while. But then she would collapse and lay down so I would just lay down next to her.
But the last hour I was able to hold her in my arms wrapped in a blanket. Again, knowing what I went through with my mother, a change in her breathing made me realize the time was coming.
I actually had the stethoscope on her constantly, listening to her breathing, when it became quiet. Just like my mother’s. She pulled her head back as if in a stretch. But probably searching for that last breath of air. And then she went limp. No sounds at all. And my baby was gone.
My husband had left earlier to a job. I told him I didn’t think she was going to make the day. He was trying to be optimistic for me and said she’ll be fine. He’ll be back as quick as possible. Just as she died, he texted me and said, How’s she doing? I said, She just died! He said, I’m coming home.
I held her for a long time. And then I wrapped her in a blanket and put her on the counter. She looked so peaceful.
During the last hour when I was holding her Annie had stepped into the room. I realized later that the camera I had put in the room to watch her had recorded a lot of what happened that day. There’s multiple 10-60 seconds segments. One of them I saw that Annie poked her head in, kind of reaching out with her nose but not coming close. That was the first and only time. Maybe she realized. I don’t know. I haven’t noticed any real loss on her part. Except for coming over to me when I’m bawling my eyes out. It probably worried her. Kali slept on our bed a lot and I watched Annie afterword to see if she would even look up there for her, but she didn’t. I look up there all the time! Every time I walk through my bedroom I’m looking at that bed and envisioning her there. It just breaks my heart all over again. It haunts me to go into the laundry room now too. I just see her everywhere.
At night, it got to be a routine that the three of us would go out to get the horses fed. Then I would come inside and get Kali while Mike played ball with Annie. I would walk her around while they played and make sure she pottied, bring her in, give her her eye drops and give both of them a treat. And then I would put her to bed either in her crate or later, in the laundry room. She was pretty blind and it was too dangerous for her to be free in the house.
So now when we all come in from the barn, I have a really hard time. Routines are kind of hard to change, you know?
One of my most heartbreaking moments with her that day still haunts me. She was relatively quiet throughout all of this. Except for her breathing. But there was 2 times when she was laying down on her side, her eyes closed and she just let out a little, Woooo. Ohh my gosh! Like a little cry! How I cried over that. I tried comforting her as much as I could. And I prayed to God to take her. Quickly! I told Him I will be so sad when she’s gone, but please take her now, please Lord, please take her! I would talk to her and tell her she’s going to meet Jesus and it's gonna be wonderful. All dogs go to heaven! You have to believe that! After all, dog is God backwards!
15 years! Where did that time go!? I can still remember bringing her home. She was a little Spitfire! That’s why we called her Speedster. She would fly down those back stairs chasing squirrels! And she kept up with Buddy! They chased each other round and round all the time. It was always a big game and they both loved it. Maybe that’s what they’re doing now.
I miss them both! Every time I look at a picture of her I have to look away because the pain is too great. But I love that little face! I love that little dog! I feel like I lost my child. I am just so lost!
And yes, Annie is a comfort. But I’m still missing our other half and the pain in my heart just won’t go away.
Our daughter came in for the weekend and she just went home yesterday. It was a comfort and a distraction. But I had my moments. Like when we were going through some things in the basement, not even dog related, when I happened to find a bag with a bunch of Kali’s collars in it. It broke me.
I’m so sorry I’m not here. I’m just finding it really hard to come back, but I will. I promise, I will.
truly missed by everyone who knew her
