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The terrifying dogs in Westminster's 'Working Group'

Discussion in 'Canine News/Informative Articles' started by JanS, Feb 23, 2016.

  1. JanS

    JanS DCF Owner Administrative Staff Moderator Hot Topics Subscriber

    Reviewing the terrifying dogs in Westminster's 'Working Group'
    By Spencer Hall@edsbs on Feb 17, 2015, 5:01p

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    Andrew Burton/Getty Images

    The Westminster Dog Show reviews its most massive and terrifying group tonight, the Working Group.

    Thus follows a terrifying review of the working group, mostly comprised of dogs designed for war, controlling huge animals, the pursuit of frightened humans, and for invasions of other planets.

    AKITA
    Japanese breed whose name means exactly what it is: "large." Stoic, silent protectors bred when a lonely 17th century woodcutter carved the first Akita into existence to make his only friend in the world. The Akita leapt from the picture and killed his creator, but not before the lonely woodcutter croaked out his famous last words: "At last, friendship." Akitas should not be left alone with children; together, their conspiracies will be your undoing.


    ALASKAN MALAMUTE
    Will eat nothing but frozen horsemeat for months at a time, thus earning it the nickname "The Novak Djokovic of the dog world."

    ANATOLIAN SHEPHERD DOG
    Bred for protecting livestock against the wolves of the rugged highlands of Turkey, the Anatolian Shepherd is right behind you. No, don't move; he'll only chase you, and will die before giving up. Just breathe slowly: a racing pulse only makes your fear more delicious to him.

    BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOG
    Gentrification with four paws. If you put more than four in one space, a coffeeshop with three craft beer taps appears on the nearest streetcorner.

    BLACK RUSSIAN TERRIER
    Bred with a great cascade of black fur over its eyes to shield the world from the laserlike contempt it holds for human frailty. Highly radioactive, but only when it is in a good mood. Is never radioactive.


    BOERBOEL
    The Boerboel is WHATEVER IT WANTS YOU TO THINK IT IS because the phrase "African farm muscle car dog" doesn't even really come close to describing it. It guarded the mines against diamond thieves in South Africa so I'm pretty sure its preferred food is "terrified diamond thieves." This one wants to be thought of as a unicorn, and it's a unicorn. It is. Just say it, and back away slowly without making eye contact. JUST SAY IT BEFORE IT NOTICES YOU'RE HESITATING.

    BOXER
    X-Rays reveal its interior contains no organs, only springs, chewed up shoes, and huge clouds of pure fart gas.

    BULLMASTIFF
    Per Wikipedia, these are "quiet dogs that very rarely bark." If they do, you are seconds from an imminent death or from being sat on like a lawnchair by a 150 pound dog. Depends on the day, really.

    CANE CORSO
    A "light sporting mastiff" for the dog owner who wants a Bronze Age war dog, but with modern styling and performance. Described as "dominant," so not recommended for owners incapable of deadlifting twice their bodyweight.

    CHINOOK
    The state dog of New Hampshire; can turn into a Subaru Outback at will.

    DOBERMAN PINSCHER
    Bred by a German tax collector, so you know it's going to be bulletproof and incapable of empathy or pity. The Doberman's tail is often docked, as the adult's tail matures into a fully functional submachine gun. Delightful with kids.

    DOGUE DU BORDEAUX
    [​IMG]
    Once you find out they're French, it's impossible to shake that Frenchness. This dog should be given cigarettes as a reward in the arena; the breed description should read "must be balanced through its powerful flanks, and committed to a vague but militant atheism it jettisons on visits to its grandmother in Toulouse." Despises America; has never been to America.

    GERMAN PINSCHER
    This dog is tiny compared to the other beasts in this group, so assume its heavily armed at all times, and wanted for murder in one of those states that don't really seem to find murder suspects very often like South Carolina or Illinois.

    GIANT SCHNAUZER
    This dog exists only to prove that the dream of a Giant Dachshund remains real and attainable.

    GREAT DANE
    Deceptive in that they are actually aliens piloting giant dogbots designed to commandeer the most important territory on earth for colonization: the most comfortable couches or beds in any home.

    GREAT PYRENEES
    A very amiable line of brown bears dyed white by corrupt Spanish breeders for centuries.

    GREATER SWISS MOUNTAIN DOG
    The try-hard, insecure, title-obsessed brother of the merely Great Swiss Mountain Dog, evidently.

    KOMONDOR
    The giant white dreadlocked thing running around the ring tonight, the Komondor uses its unique threaded coat to protect its skin against the teeth of predators trying to eat livestock, and its feelings against those who will never understand its need for individuality in an increasingly homogenous society.

    KUVASZ
    Breed traits include cartoonish racism.

    LEONBERGER
    An affable, giant goofball of a dog, the Leonberger was bred in hope of making a dog that looked like a lion.
    [​IMG]
    German illustrators of the 19th century SUCKED at drawing lions.

    MASTIFF
    Would knock over an AT-AT simply by pissing on it. Breed traits include "plodding," "window-rattling steps," and "drool trails reminiscent of whole beached jellyfish."

    NEOPOLITAN MASTIFF
    A Mastiff left in the oven too long.

    NEWFOUNDLAND
    Dogs strong enough to pull swimmers in distress out of the water, the Newfoundland is often referred to as the "nanny dog" for its boundless affection for children, and also because it, too, goes undisclosed on tax records. (P.S. It is not legal to leave a child with a dog no matter what Good Dog Carltold you.)

    PORTUGUESE WATER DOG
    Its hypoallergenic coat made it an ideal choice for President Obama's family. Please share this dog on Facebook immediately for best results.

    ROTTWEILER
    "The dogs are said to have been used by traveling butchers at markets during the Middle Ages to guard money pouches tied around their necks." BUTCHERS MUST HAVE BEEN THE WEALTHIEST PEOPLE IN GERMANY IN THE MIDDLE AGES.

    SAMOYED
    Hailing from Siberia. Has antifreeze for blood and will eventually settle in South Florida once it attains oligarch status through a copper mining scheme.

    SIBERIAN HUSKY
    Also hails from Siberia; also will pursue relocation to South Florida, where it will DJ two nights a week as opener for DJ Rony Seikaly.

    STANDARD SCHNAUZER
    Not really a fit with the rest of these, but the Germans made it so it must be designed to absolutely destroy something.

    TIBETAN MASTIFF
    The Lhasa Car Alarm! You're supposed to throw a fistful of gravel in the face of one of these if they come after you during a trip to Tibet. A friend did this as instructed, and the dog ran through it like so much buckshot off the hide of a tank. He had to camp out on top of a car for ten minutes until someone came and got the dog. I assume that person was either the mayor, or the mayor's assistant in a scenario where the dog was mayor. (The dog was undoubtedly the mayor.)

    ST. BERNARD
    Unusual in this category in that it is used for "Search and Rescue," and not merely "Search."


    Original source:
    Reviewing the terrifying dogs in Westminster's 'Working Group'
     
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  2. Viemarangelrock

    Viemarangelrock Hot Topics Subscriber $ Forum Donor $

    Boxer

    Pmsl :D
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  3. AresMyDobie

    AresMyDobie Hot Topics Subscriber $ Forum Donor $

    Is this a joke ? Lol
     
  4. Oh Little Oji

    Oh Little Oji Formerly Tad Hot Topics Subscriber $ Forum Donor $

    Does that mean "Peed myself a little?"
     
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  5. Oh Little Oji

    Oh Little Oji Formerly Tad Hot Topics Subscriber $ Forum Donor $

    Okay, that was real funny stuff!
     
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  6. Viemarangelrock

    Viemarangelrock Hot Topics Subscriber $ Forum Donor $

    Yes, but not literally lol that would be weird!

    That's what I get for having a teenage daughter, all this IM message jargon rofl and lmao. It's crazy, but I catch myself doing it from time to time.
     
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  7. Oh Little Oji

    Oh Little Oji Formerly Tad Hot Topics Subscriber $ Forum Donor $

    Oh wow, I got it right :O)
     
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  8. MischasMomma

    MischasMomma Hot Topics Subscriber $ Forum Donor $

    I always used it/read it as p!ssed myself laughing, but same idea lol I kinda like yours better though
     
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  9. MyBuddy

    MyBuddy Moderator Hot Topics Subscriber

    I thought it was an exclamation point at the end and it stood for P. M. S. :rofl::rofl:

    Gawd, I'm old. :( I need a teenager here to help me along with all these ! ;) :chillout:

    I do find myself saying "O. M. G." at times, instead of Oh My God. :spit:
     
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  10. carl

    carl $ Forum Donor $

    "O.K. that was pretty funny stuff". I agree. I'm constantly amazed at how many breeds there are and it seems being added yearly. Carl.
     
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  11. Oh Little Oji

    Oh Little Oji Formerly Tad Hot Topics Subscriber $ Forum Donor $

    I agree. It is surprising to me how many new breeds the AKC seems to be recognizing each year. Makes me wonder just how many purebred breeds there are out there of which most people are unaware.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  12. MyBuddy

    MyBuddy Moderator Hot Topics Subscriber

    I'm sure there are. In fact, my prediction, with all the C/D nonsense thrown in there as well, is that one day all dogs will look the same. :D All long tails, long ears, with bodies molded into one culmination of all breeds. Hmmm, I wonder what that will look like?:wacky:
     
  13. Ingrid H

    Ingrid H Hot Topics Subscriber $ Forum Donor $

    The new breeds I've seen just seem like variations on existing breeds, sort of like the equivalent of a regional accent in language. The Spanish Water Dog looks exactly like a Portuguese water dog to me, and the Boerboel is a mastiff.
     
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  14. JanS

    JanS DCF Owner Administrative Staff Moderator Hot Topics Subscriber

    Back to the wolf?

    I get a thing from AKC nearly every week saying "meet the new breeds" so it's happening a lot.
     
  15. MyBuddy

    MyBuddy Moderator Hot Topics Subscriber

    Could be! Full circle. :)
     
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  16. Gelcoater

    Gelcoater Expert ThreadCrapper $ Premium Subscriber $ Hot Topics Subscriber

    I can so relate to this.:)
     
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  17. Oh Little Oji

    Oh Little Oji Formerly Tad Hot Topics Subscriber $ Forum Donor $

    Someone that used to be on this forum (@shadash?) said it would be something like a medium, brown, nondescript dog or something like that. I said it sounded like a good beer name.
     
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  18. Gelcoater

    Gelcoater Expert ThreadCrapper $ Premium Subscriber $ Hot Topics Subscriber

    Yeah.What happened to @shadash ?
     
    • I was wondering about that too! I was wondering about that too! x 1
  19. MyBuddy

    MyBuddy Moderator Hot Topics Subscriber

    That seems about right. Kinda sad, actually.
     
  20. JanS

    JanS DCF Owner Administrative Staff Moderator Hot Topics Subscriber

    Haven't seen him since June or so, so I have no idea.
     
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